just tell him i said nine months
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
