Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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