i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
