i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
