I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
