Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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