Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
