Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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