I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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