New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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