he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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