Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
