I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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