WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
