Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You ate ashes out of my bong
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
