I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
