dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
