I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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