I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
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Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
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And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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