The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
