Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
