You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I have peed in a lot of sinks
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
