I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
