Just fell off a train. Bad.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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