No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
