Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
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She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
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I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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