Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
