Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
