Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I supernannyed him into submission
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
