I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
