im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
