this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
