Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
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Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
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Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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