My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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