Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
