I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
