while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
