On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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