Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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