I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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