If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
