i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
