No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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