You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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