I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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