apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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