2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm always down for nudity.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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