I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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