He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I could make wine with my vomit
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
organizing the empties. That sober.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
His nipple licking is glorious
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
