I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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