fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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