This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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