i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
