i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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