The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
