Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Randomize
