my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
